Let me preface what I have written: I don’t expect all of what I am writing to make sense to you now. Over time, when you are a little older, I hope you will read this and that it will help you understand more about what your mother treasured in her life and why. It is when you are older that a book like this will become precious and valuable to you.
I have chosen to write this for a few reasons. First, I think that as you grow older, you will have an ever-increasing desire to recall the character, heart, and memory of your mother. You are so young now and as we grow our memories tend to fade. Life rushes in and we find ourselves busy with many different responsibilities. This is why people take photographs; to aid them in recalling memories they desire to never lose. It was and is important to me, and the members of Integrity Church, to preserve the memory of your mother as best we could for your benefit. This book is intended to be a small collective testimony of the life changing impact Christ had on your mother and, as a result of that life-change, this book is also a testimony to the impact your mother had on us.
Secondly, I write this because I care about you. I care that you know truth. Not only the true personal character of your mother as testified by many who have written in this small book, but also the truth of the Gospel, which your mother believed and taught to you fervently. Truth is important. The Gospel is THE most important thing your mother wanted you to understand, not for her own peace of mind, but for your sake. Without hesitation, I firmly and unequivocally know that she wanted her life to be about pointing you to the Gospel. I do not mean that she wanted you to intellectually comprehend or theoretically understand the Gospel message or say some prayer. What I mean is that she desired that the Gospel would come alive in you. When I say “Gospel” this means that God would:
1. Cause you to recognize your sin.
(Psalm 51:5, Matthew 5:48, James 2:10, Romans 3:10-12, 3:23, 6:23, 1 John 1:8, Ephesians 2:1-3, 8-9, 1 John 3:4)
2. Cause you to genuinely repent from your sin, and admit that you deserve God's wrath for your personal sin.
(Isaiah 64:6, 2 Thess. 1:8-9, Hebrews 4:12-13, 10:31)
3. Cause you to believe, by faith, in the person and work of Christ on the cross was accomplished on your behalf.
(John 8:23, John 1:1-2,14, 10:30-33, 20:30-31, 8:46, 14:6, Mark 2:5)
(Romans 5:8, John 1:12, 3:16, 11:25-26, Acts 20:21, 10:43, Luke 24:47, Mark 1:15, 1 Cor. 15:3-6, Matthew 16:15)
4. Change your heart and to give you a new motivation to love and obey Jesus all the days of your life where you: fight sin, enjoy studying scripture, love the Church and God's people.
(2 Cor. 5:9, 14-15, 17, 13:5, 1 John 4:19-21, 5:3, 3:6, 9, Romans 6:17-18, 7:5-6, 1 Cor. 6:9-11, 1 Peter 1:8-9)
This is what she would have meant by "knowing the Gospel". I know this from personal conversations with your mother and I listened to her weep as she prayed for you to know Jesus and the Gospel personally, intimately and in a life-altering way.
Your mother loved Jesus. I don't mean that she read her Bible and that she went to church on Sundays. I mean that it was holistically evident in the way that she lived her life that she loved Jesus. People would say things to your mother all the time like this, "You are so different." What these people mean when they say that is not that she was weird, but that there was something different in her that was not in most people. People recognized Jesus IN her, but didn't know that He was in fact what they recognized.
Your mother loved Scripture. She came to our church small-group and was so hungry to know more about the character of God and the love of Jesus. She loved to study Scripture. Your mother fought sin in her heart. She was not content with sin she recognized in her life. She wanted to be more and more obedient to Jesus. She made changes in her life and yours, as it would help her best to fight different areas of sin in her heart and life. This is what I mean when I say that your Mother loved Jesus. Loving Jesus was not a religious experience or devotion for her, it WAS who she was, it defined her, it consumed her, it was very personal for her. She wanted to obey Jesus and live a life that was pleasing and honoring to Him. She understood that obeying Jesus WAS to love Jesus.
Your mother died days before she was to celebrate Easter, which is the day Christians celebrate the resurrection of Jesus from the grave. It is the most joyous annual celebration in the life of a Christian. I remember thinking of your mother that Sunday morning as I prepared to go to Church. I said to my wife, "Today, as we celebrate what was accomplished on our behalf and Tonya's through Jesus on the Cross this Easter weekend; while we get to thank Jesus for those scarred hands she gets to hold them." I firmly believe that today. Your mother is with Jesus this very moment. She is enjoying Him and experiencing the great joy of being a daughter of the King of all Kings. She worries about nothing. This is important for you to know with certainty. I know this because Jesus promises this to those who genuinely love Him. (Luke 23:43, Phil. 3:20-21)
When people die, sometimes we hear things like, “She is an angel looking down over us.” I realize that people mean this to comfort. They mean well and say things like that to you out of love for your mother, but I want you to know the truth. I want you to know the truth because truth is what scripture says and it is what your Mother believed. The truth is that your mother is not an angel and she is not looking down on you. The truth is much more beautiful. The truth, scripture tells us, is that God made people in the image of himself (Genesis 1:26-27) NOT in the image of angels. Angels existed before people. Angels serve God and have often served God by announcing his holiness (Isaiah 6:1-3) and being sent to declare the Good news of the Gospel (Luke 2:8-15). However, angels are not dead Christians. They are created beings different from humans made for the purpose of worshipping and glorifying God. Angels were made to serve God by serving man, but man was made to serve God directly. Jesus was sent to earth to die for the people whom God has chosen (Ephesians 1:4-12, 2:1-9, John 6:44, 65, 2 Thess. 2:13-14, Romans 8:29-30). Jesus did not die for the angels. He died for people like your mother, so that she could be with Jesus forever. Jesus paid the penalty for her sins. This truth makes Tonya more special to God than angels because His Son died for her. Jesus purchased Tonya with a great price. Jesus did not do this for angels. Angels do not sit with Jesus, only those for whom Jesus died sit with Him (Ephesians 2:6-7). Tonya sits with Jesus. Scripture tells us not to worship angels (Colossians 2:18). Scripture tells us that angels long to understand the Grace that has been poured out on those whom Jesus died for (1 Peter 1:12) and that those people will one day judge angels (1 Cor. 6:3). To go from being a Christian to becoming an angel would be similar to a job demotion in earthly terms. Christians are united to Jesus in a way angels never will be. You need to understand that your mother is not an angel. She was so loved by Jesus that he came to earth to purchase her eternal life with his very own death. She is fully and completely focused on the joy of being with Jesus. Jesus is that amazing. Jesus is that incredible. Nothing else competes for her full-attention because Jesus loves her that much and because Jesus is that worthy. She is safe. She is loved. She entertains joys unspeakable . . . for all of eternity. That should comfort you and that is true.
Aside from these critical and most important truths, there are only a few things that I wanted to share with you about your mother that I believe she would want you to know confidently and assuredly for the rest of your life.
One: That she loved you. This is as assured as the fact that gravity exists. There is no doubt. I had conversations with her as she wrestled with the reality of raising a son as a single mother. She wanted you to feel as loved and as secure as much as that depended on her. She made tremendous sacrifices personally, financially, and professionally for you to have her present and available as much as possible. Her life revolved around your needs. She didn’t force you to adapt to her life, she made every transition as painless for you as she was able. Never doubt her commitment and love that she had for you. She loved you more than any single person on the planet.
Two: I am praying that as you grow older that you will not be bitter towards God over your mother’s death. No one doubts you have pain and great sorrow over her death. This is expected and understandable. I cannot fully relate to those emotions. I admit that. My mother is not dead. However, scripture does not promise us painless lives here on earth. Scripture promises us an earthly life of meaning and purpose found in Jesus alone (John 10:10) and that the life after this will be painless (Rev. 21:4). Scripture tells us that as sinful people we don’t deserve anything good (Ephesians 2:1-3, Romans 3:10-12, 6:23, Psalm 51:5, 1 John 1:8, Hebrews 10:31). If life is happy and good and joyous then it is meant to speak to our heart that these good things come from God alone (Romans 2:4). If we experience suffering and heartache it is to remind us that we deserve no better and that Jesus is our only hope . . . not things, not money, not people, not pets, not our health, not family, not work or anything else on this earth (Romans 1:19-20, 32). All of that will eventually break-down, disappoint us, or die. Only Jesus can offer lasting hope, fulfillment, forgiveness, love, and peace (John 14:6). Jesus is who we need to run towards. No one is promised tomorrow (James 4:13-14). Who do you say that Jesus is (Matthew 16:15)? This is the most important question of your entire life. It was the most important question of your mother’s life. It is the most important question for anyone’s life. Learn about Jesus. Seek to know Him. Everything depends on how you answer that question (Hebrews 9:27)
I hope that when you read this, God will ignite a desire inside your heart to know Him. Feel free to dialogue with this Church, Integrity, when that time comes. There are many people who love you here. We have committed to pray for you and, if given the opportunity, to teach you about the God whom your mother deeply loved.
Lastly, I have included several pictures that I took of you and your mother. She was always supportive of my photography. She was so gracious with her words of encouragement. She told me she cried when she saw them for the first time. I hope these images will remind you of her and become greatly treasured by you.
May God shine His face upon you,
Craig
